DOOP

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For those who liked Dad’s letter to me the day I was born, here’s another.  This is the letter he wrote to me upon my graduation from college.  Dad called me “Doop” or “Dooper” and we had a game that when he touched the tip of my nose it made the noise “Doop.”  For a few years it was just dad and me as my sister lived with our mother and dad had yet to meet Sheila.  This milestone was his victory as much as my own.  He sets a high parenting bar here.  

To:  G. Kentibus Bourgeault

RE: A Twenty Two Year High

Precious Gwen,

I reeled out of the faculty lounge after the phone call.  I couldn’t tell from the tone of her voice whether mama was pleased or dismayed.  I stumbled down the hall and intercepted Jean Morton and Jim Wood at the top of the back stairs.  “Cindy’s Pregnant!”

That’s the first of thousands of images that struggle to be cited in this contemplation of yet another rite of passage.  Each memory triggers a dozen more rich in wonder and joy.  From your first pout when you were seconds old to our long chat on the phone a few days ago.  Can that happy, competent and caring young woman be the same tiny baby whose midnight earaches succumbed to hot washcloths wrapped in plastic and towels and the little lullaby I made up just for her?

Where is the terrible two whose tantrums terrorized trembling travelers?  Does she remember the remedies?…Either stop to look at a cow or get this damn’ airplane moving.  After which dad sat motionless across the ocean for fear of waking her up__

When did you hug your last Parisian bridge railing?  When did your nose stop going “DOOP?” (or didn’t it?)  I suppose you’d have to be crocked nowadays to wallow fully clothed in Margaret Lathrop Law’s birdbath or stand on your head in Bob Johnson’s mud puddle.

You ran in joyous circles when we brought Lucy home and your face was suffused with awe when we first put her in your lap.  We all dealt with “sisters!” and territorial squabbles – and more serious stuff until you wrote a letter that was the beginning of peace between you.

Do you remember the pink jumpsuit? — The Austrian dirndl?  Hurrying home to watch Heidi? — and Luv Boat?  The Media local?  The Chevy? Gymnastics camp?  Your relationship with Betty Tayes? – Yvette? Getting to know Sheila? The special award Maria Witt created just for you? Do you remember winning blue ribbons at First State? Getting involved with kids at First Day School? Holly Girls?  All the energy and devotion you put into cheerleading? – And the dignity with which you dealt with that freaky coach? And what a triumph on graduation night as they announced the awards!

You turned disappointment into exhileration as you made Randoph-Macon yours — “I can’t imagine going anywhere else.” — but then knowing when it had done all it could for you — having the maturity to think it through, work it out and the courage to move on to Bucknell — and with style! Earning your trip to Paris as your final R/M term!

Do you have any idea of parents’ feelings to be taken to lunch at the State Department — by our daughter? — or to watch that daughter operate in a completely new environment two weeks after major surgery —??

Well, now you’re on the verge of cashing in your big A+ and all the other grades you put together and getting a Bucknell diploma.  Your final transcript will probably be something reasonably awesome.  I should be proud of you for all that — and of course I am.

But I’m not surprised —

You’ve been Summa Cum Laude to me for twenty two years —

I love you, Dooper,

Dad

Dooper

 

Hump Day Hikers – Hong Kong

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When I first moved to Hong Kong I was most surprised by the beautiful hiking trails and immediately wanted to explore them, but I didn’t want to hike alone and I wanted to make friends. Several attempts to coordinate busy schedules became frustrating, so I had an idea.  I sent an email to my friend Pascale telling her that I was thinking of starting a hiking group on Wednesday mornings called Hump Day Hikers. She replied, “Great idea. I’m in.” and that officially launched it. That day I sent an email to about a dozen friends telling them that I intended to hike every Wednesday at 8 am for one of the eight different roughly two-hour loops over Violet Hill and The Twins that can originate from the HKIS Lower Primary at South Bay Close and invited them to join me whenever they could.

To my delight I had a good response and with one email had launched what would become the deepest source of happiness for me in Hong Kong. Friends began to ask if they could bring other friends and if I would add their friends’ names to my list. Within a few months the list had grown to sixty women!   With this response, I formalized it a bit, sending a description with a stated purpose to “catch up, enhance friendships, get some exercise and to have a regular hike on the calendar, but with total flexibility. As always, this is open to anyone who would like to join us, whenever you can, without pressure.”

I sent a reminder email every Monday morning, and longer ones for excursion hikes, but otherwise left them alone. “Call or text me if you’re planning to hike but are running late so we can wait for you, ” I instructed, “otherwise, you don’t have to let me know if you’re coming or not. That’s up to you!”

A core group of about a dozen came every single week. Another dozen came twice a month, yet another dozen once a month, a few came once or twice a season and some never came, but insisted on being kept on the list just in case they ever motivated. One woman never hiked, but came to our end-of-the-year party. Eventually we added a Facebook page that we could use for exchanging the information we shared on the trails. The biggest hike was 30 women, the smallest was just me and a friend. They were equally satisfying and fun.

Beyond the opportunity to explore the place we all called home, the biggest benefit was the new friendships that emerged. Women act a little differently on hikes than sitting at lunch at a club. Dressed in casual workout gear, hair up in messy ponytails or covered with baseball caps, most wore no makeup and the ubiquitous telephones were tucked away in the pocket of the camelback water systems, out of reach for the lull in conversation that inevitably happens when hiking up a mountain. I love the pace of hike conversation. There is space for silence, and it’s never awkward. Women are less guarded and more open when out on the trails. We push our bodies. We sweat, smell, hurt and get tired. We share more secrets too. I was the first to learn of my friend’s pregnancy when her regular quick hiking pace was lagging and she offered her secret as a means of explanation.

Another unanticipated benefit of the hiking group was the opportunity to meet women with children of different ages and stages of life. Typically expats group with others with kids the same age, on the sidelines of sports or at birthday parties. But our group drew women with kids of all ages, so we could learn from each other. We followed along on boarding school and college admissions deliberations, counseled health and relationship issues for each other, compared notes on trips, commiserated, laughed and shed tears every once in awhile too.

Thankfully we only had one injury that required medical attention. One woman slipped and punctured her palm, but fortunately we had reached Violet Hill and were a quick taxi ride from Adventist Hospital. Her dear friend Pam accompanied her and we kept going.  She was fine.

The wildlife on the trails was amazing. Spiders the size of a man’s hand and snakes scared many away, but not all. We occasionally ran into even bigger creatures like wild dogs, a dead porcupine, wild boar and cattle. We learned the network of trails around the south side of Hong Kong Island; how to access the water catchments and secret cobblestone trails enabling us to walk from Repulse Bay to Stanley or Tai Tam to Stanley without ever walking on the dangerous sidewalk-less roads.

The excursion hikes were the most fun. I spent hours plotting the maps and figuring out the directions, and sometimes had to double back and question the route, but their patience and encouragement kept me going and we always made it to our destination. The excursions always included a culinary destination so that we could not only explore the trails, but also try a new restaurant in a different part of town. These were usually all-day adventures, from the time the school bus departed, to just before its return. I had it down to a science and only came back later than the school bus a few times. We would carpool or rely on generous friends with drivers to get us to the trailhead.  Some of our favorite excursions included:

Maclehose, Stage 2 – The signature excursion hike is the second stage of the Maclehose Trail coupled with crispy tofu and a beer at Michelin starred Loaf On in the heart of Sai Kung. Getting to the trailhead is the hardest part of this adventure, but well worth the effort. We usually carpooled to the parking structures in Sai Kung then got into green taxis instructing them to take us into the country park to Long Ke in Sai Kung Country park, across the reservoir to the pavilion. Getting out there the trail continues up and over a steep pass and meanders along three separate beautiful beaches before turning inland for the second half of the hike through the jungle. There’s a perfect pitstop on Dai Long Wan that sells beer and French fries, but we mostly ate trailmix and replenished our water. Emerging from the woods fifteen kilometers and about four hours later, we’d catch the bus back into Sai Kung for lunch. Our group did this hike at least four times.

“Taco Truck Hike to Quarry Bay – The Taco Truck hike was the most popular of all. Hiking from Repulse Bay over Mt. Butler past the relics of World War II infrastructure to Quarry Bay we arrived like clockwork at 11:20, 10 minutes before the now defunct Taco Truck opened. After the Taco Truck closed we hiked to Frites and ate moules frites one time, but it wasn’t quite the same. Still, that route provides myriad options for dining and is a quick taxi ride back to the start.

“Lardo’s  & T.C. Deli Hike” – We hiked over Sha Tin Pass, stages four and half of three of the Wilson Trail in reverse to Tseung Kwan O for a meal at Lardo’s steak restaurant on a minibus roundabout in a housing development.  After a steak, a quick shopping trip at the T.C. Deli to load up on restaurant quality meats at shockingly reasonable prices for HK makes you really feel like a local.

“Dragon’s Back Backwards” – Another favorite excursion was the Dragon’s Back, but done “backwards” starting at the bus stop half way down Shek-O Road and hiking the trail back to the prison, but then turning right and hiking along the catchment, past the first sign to Big Wave Bay to the second one which has a trail of stairs that cascades down the hillside to the sand. When it’s open, the pink café at the far side of the beach has great brunch, but when that was closed we’d continue on the road to Sai Kung to eat at Chinese Thai Seafood place on the roundabout.

“Tai O” – Our furthest afield was Tai O. The fog was relentless and we got a little turned around and, truth be told, we didn’t see very much of the trail. Taking a photo at the top of the rise we couldn’t see two feet in front of us and had a start when we nearly sat on a grazing bull. Eventually we made it to town, checked out the Heritage Hotel and the boats to see the pink dolphins, then caught the city bus back to the outlet malls where our cars were waiting.

“Mui Wo Family Hike” – One school holiday we took a family hike on Lantau from Discovery Bay to Mui Wo inviting husbands and children to join the fun. We took the ferry from Central to Discovery Bay then followed the trail, past the stages of the cross leading to the Trappist Monastery to Mui Wo. My friend’s daughter carried a pile of newspapers while wailing the entire route, but everyone made it and enjoyed the crescent beach of Mui Wo and ended with a great Turkish meal at Bahce before perfectly timing the ferry back home.

“Big Buddha” – The Big Buddha is a popular tourist attraction in HK, but a pain to get to.  Finding the trailhead was challenging, but satisfying.  We parked at the Citygate Outlets at Tung Cheung on Lantau by the airport and skirted the housing estates until the urban center gave way to trails and eventually the staircase at the trailhead.  The staircase follows the path of the cable car high above. None of us felt well that day as we started out fast and it was hotter than we had anticipated, and one even turned back and went home early, but we completed the trail and grabbed an Ebineezers sandwich at the top before my friend’s driver picked us up (alternatively we would have taken the cable car down to the cars!).

“Paddle Boarding Hike” – Once we arranged to hike Violet Hill to Stanley Main Beach and then take everyone paddle boarding. It was a pretty windy day and many had never tried paddle boarding before, so we had lots of fun and got a great photo, but never did that again.

“Green Power” – Hong Kong hosts many adventure races, but the one I love is called Green Power. It’s a 50K race that begins at the Peak and finishes at Big Wave Bay (there is also an option to do 25K starting at Parkview). Not being very competitive, I wasn’t interested in racing, but some of the hiking friends convinced me to train for it, and so I did. My friend Lee and I trained and completed the race together one year. We packed for a hike, including PB&J and trail mix expecting the race to take us about 9 hours, but when we got started the whole group was running and so we started running and just kept running. We did the race in under 7 hours and were really proud of ourselves. The next year I completed the race with my friend Yanzi. It took us a little longer, but we stuck together and finished with big smiles on our faces. It’s an amazing experience to complete a distance longer than a marathon that scales several peaks, but being fully contained on HK island, I reasoned that home was always a quick taxi ride away if I ever wanted to quit.

The HDH included celebrations too. Twice a year I hosted a HDH party where we would hike over The Twins, through Stanley to my house where brunch was waiting. Sweaty and tired, we sat and ate together, celebrating our accomplishments and deepening friendships. I poured my heart into making those meals to express my gratitude to those women for joining me on the hikes each week.

When I left Hong Kong nearly two years ago no one stepped forward directly to assume the mantle of the HDH, but I have heard that a woman has since taken over and continues to coordinate a regular Wednesday hike, sending encouraging messages and keeping the tradition going. I am so pleased to hear this as I continue to get messages from hikers about HDH being a meaningful part of their Hong Kong life.

A few weeks ago I received an email from a fellow “repatriate” who, like me, spent several years in Hong Kong. She was writing to say that she missed our hiking group and she thanked me for starting it. Two years have passed since I left Hong Kong and still it is what she and I remember fondly. What started out of laziness evolved into the most fulfilling and fun part of my six year tenure living in Hong Kong, and I encourage anyone moving there to be sure to get out on the trails as much as possible.

Why don’t we follow the evidence-based parenting advice we receive?

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A week late due to the CNY Holidays, but here it is…

http://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/families/article/1912370/how-cut-through-chatter-and-cultivate-your-childs-most-important

Have you ever heard a parenting expert say push your kids to the breaking point, sign them up for multiple extracurricular activities, make them take all honors classes, allow technology in their bedrooms so they can keep in touch with their friends all night long, sleep is overrated, eating on the run is fine and free time is a waste? Neither have I.

And yet this is precisely what our generation of parents is doing, and it’s not serving anyone well. Why don’t we follow the evidence-based advice we receive?

Unlike most fields of study where expert opinions vary, parenting experts are remarkably similar on just about every topic except sleep training for babies.   In getting kids to sleep through the night some advise letting infants cry it out while others recommend co-sleeping, for example. While there is some variation in advice for infant care, when it comes to older children and especially adolescents, the advice becomes strikingly consistent.

Over the years I have attended dozens of lectures, taken copious notes and read many books to try to pick up some tips to be a more effective parent to my three children. Most parenting advice falls into broad topics like how to help cultivate resilience, perseverance, self-motivation, purpose and mindset. While each expert frames the advice a little bit differently, they all end up with similar recommendations and even more compelling, similar statistics.

To raise healthy, balanced, kind, optimistic and accomplished children with good prospects to become successful and happy adults, parenting experts consistently offer really simple, intuitive advice. First, make sure they get enough sleep, have regular medical check ups, eat good healthy food, and regularly share family dinner. Second, praise real effort and acts of kindness, not the child. Third, limit technology and never allow it to live in their bedrooms, but have healthy, open communication about it. Finally, protect their unstructured free time fiercely.

Unstructured, technology-free free time, positive reinforcement, healthy eating and sleep? So far I have been unable to identify a dissenting voice in this advice.   Yet we persist in running all over town after school to take children to lessons, fighting to get them on “the right” sports teams, hiring a tutor when they’re faltering in a class instead of going to seek out the teacher and so on.   We reason that the kids are happier when they’re busy, that they take pride in accomplishment and that they will thank us later when they get into a good college and set their lives on a successful path.   This may be true for some children, but not for all. And, on a practical level, one afternoon with a group of kids in a Hong Kong apartment with “unstructured time” is enough to prove this advice harder to follow than it seems.

Nonetheless, we do it because we want the best for our children and we are scared of the competition and the unknowable future. We do it because everyone else does too. We do it because some of our parents did the same and it’s all we know. We believe we are being helpful, but the evidence suggests otherwise.

A wise friend advised me to tell my children, “Your health, your education and your safety are up to your father and me. The rest is up to you.” The more I tried to find fault with this advice, the more I realized how brilliant it is. If I stick to this advice, I can more efficiently tease out the truly important issues from the merely irritating ones. So far, so good, although I admit that if my child asks about a tattoo, I may have to reconsider.

Even after all these years and so much advice, the one that continues to ring loudest in my head comes from British parenting expert Penelope Leach. She advises speaking to children as you would have them speak to you when you’re old. As you yell at your children to get their shoes on, chastising them for their lack of attention to your command or lack of ability to tie them despite your having shown them how, picture the opposite.

“Mom! Put your shoes on! I can’t believe you don’t have them on yet. This is ridiculous, I told you ten times to get your shoes on! Hurry UP!”

With that in mind, perhaps you’ll consider giving them the same courtesy you would like from them down the road a bit. Life around the house may become generally more respectful and calm. After all, don’t we all feel a little better when we’re treated with courtesy, kindness and respect?

Common Sense Parenting; Lessons from Dr. Wendy Mogel

Published on by gwenborg3 Comments

I didn’t write the SCMP headline, but I did write the article and dedicate it to Lucy, Erica, Kathy & Cindy!  In fact, this blog is named after that barely paved road we were allowed to cross.  

scmp.com/…/benign-neglect-giving-kids-scope-learn-make-mistakes-and-grow

“Benign neglect” is the phrase that would most aptly describe my parents’ approach to parenting in the 1970s. What today might be called “free range parenting” or actual neglect, back then was just childhood.

Our home in rural Pennsylvania bordered a cornfield at the top of the hill and a nature preserve with a creek running through it just beyond. My sister and I had two neighbor girls through the woods on one side and another across a barely paved street that we were free to cross on our own from a very early age. In fact, the five of us were free to do just about anything we liked. We could wander the woods, play in the creek, build forts in the goat shed, collect coal from the yard, watch as much television as we liked and eat anything we could scrounge for ourselves from the kitchen.

I never wore shoes and my feet were as tough as leather from walking barefoot down our gravely driveway all summer. I was dirty, disheveled and, being the oldest, blamed by the neighbor parents for corrupting the language of their children. We spent days writing elaborate plays, producing gymnastics shows, attempting to make a whirlpool in the small swimming pool, flooding the driveway to create an ice skating pond or sawing the cornstalks sticking up from the impromptu rink created by poor drainage in the field. We crossed barbed wire fences, tore our clothing, swung from vines, rolled in clover and picked wine berries from thorny bushes to eat by the bucket load with full fat milk and real sugar.

Today this kind of childhood would be almost impossible to reproduce, and parents who tried might suffer judgment from their peers for neglect or endangerment. For us, it was paradise.

I thought this kind of parenting a relic of a simpler time until I had the pleasure of attending a talk by a leading parenting expert in the U.S. who seems to be encouraging parents to think back to their own childhoods and recapture for their children some of the danger, freedom, resilience and thrill that has been largely lost in the overscheduled, anxiety-ridden, structured world of parenting today.

New York Times bestselling author and practicing psychologist, Dr. Wendy Mogel has turned her focus to counseling parents instead of young children these days. Her two best-selling books, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee and The Blessing of A B Minus offer encouraging words of wisdom for parents to give children space to make mistakes and to learn from them.

Dr. Mogel encourages parents to relax and stop “quaking in our boots” parenting. In this age of artisanal parenting, where we pay continuous partial attention to our children, we need to put our phones down and engage when we are with our children, but also give them time when we are not there hovering over them. Humorously, she suggested parents start by reading the online satirical website called The Onion because, as she said, “you need mirth in your home.”

Dr. Mogel implores parents to let children do thrilling things, as this is how they avoid being fearful. She referenced an article about the anti-phobic effects of thrilling experiences. For parents who can’t bear the thought of this, who are worried that something might happen, she replies, “but you are in my office, so you can’t live with your kid now either.” Freedom is how they learn to keep themselves safe.

Dr. Mogel cautioned parents to stop interviewing their children for pain. Instead of trying to uncover all that went wrong in their day, find out what went right. She said that, “Good, healthy, respectful parenting will feel like neglect.”

According to Mogel, girls need to go through phases that will scare parents, and boys need the time to be good tired, not just weary. All kids need to move, not ride around in the car doing errands or going to lessons. Dr. Mogel reminded us that children must have chores for their own growth and to be of assistance to the family.

After all, Dr. Mogel reminds us, the “The whole point of parenting is to make it look appealing to your children so they’ll have children and you can be a grandparent. If you make it look like a burdensome, stressful drag, they won’t want to be parents, and then you won’t have any grandchildren.” Dr. Mogel’s highly anticipated next book is scheduled for release in 2017.

Listening to parenting experts like Dr. Mogel, Dr. Madeline Levine, Dr. Michael Thompson and so many others, their messages are consistent and surprisingly similar. Each encourages parents to lighten up on our kids and to give them a little more space to navigate the world on their own. We have made parenting so complicated and all consuming, we have to remember to stop worrying and start enjoying our kids during this brief time when we get to be the primary decision makers in their lives.